Young Persons Blog – Hannah

Hannah

28

Cervical cancer – glassy cell

hannah

September is Gynaecological Cancer Awareness month so I wanted to introduce you to Hannah. Here is the first blog she wrote about her diagnosis with a rare form of cervical cancer.

“6th December 2015- 15th January 2017

I made notes of my feelings and appointments and here is the Catch up on my journey so far:

6th December – after biopsy was diagnosed with cervical cancer! 

Upset but little was I to know quite the full length and how scary and shit this really felt for few more days as it just didn’t sink in. 

After eventually being seen by doctor and many appointments all bringing us to this biopsy, I had already worked out what I could have and that I  may have early stage of cancer but I really did think i got it early enough that I would have hysterectomy and then be fine after recovery from that 

But a 5cm tumor and the area it affects puts me at stage 2b and means a hysterectomy isn’t any option at this stage: 

7th -8th telling family and your close friends – feeling more real- flowers / cards / appointment letters coming in …

9th – martyn my rock who has held it together for the last 3 days , crumbled and had moment in bathroom, didn’t want him to be sorry as he has been amazing.. feels human.. wanted someone to cry with after everyone being so clinical and factual. When actually it is shit awful news and let’s cry because I could die!!

 10th December – feeling very very low whilst working through the xmas orders, can’t wait to get work out the way for a week or 2 to get it in a better place in my mind.

Had like a dull tummy pain for hours then found another clot (first clot since diagnosed)

Can’t relate it to anything like you do with general day to day problems .

Trying to think “positive” when there seems so little to hold on to.

Feeling alone.

Running club Xmas dinner party. Only going to face the world. Didn’t start off great. Freaked out when walked into the room where everyone was going to be. It’s hard to explain but just facing life was hard. This was all still very Fresh and new to me, Held it togther and was able to talk a about it later in the night. Stayed till mid night actually!! felt bit bad about Mum and Dad baby sitting so late, after saying  unlikely to stay late 😬

Julia making me laugh as always. Didn’t expect to laugh again ( although trust me it was not the same )

The world looks such a different place now, evil , scary, unpredictable

Don’t want to watch the news again as just can’t cope with actually how much crap there is going on in this country and this world.

11th December .. so that brings us to now Sunday 11th December, day after xmas party, had a Very unsettled night sleep and Eden came in saying there’s a monster. Cuddled up with me and it was actually really sweet and we fell asleep together..woke up with his feet pushing me off bed!😩

Soooooooo blessed to have Daisy and Eden when I did, absolutely over the idea of wanting more children and I know naturally that’s not going to happen now and of course all I want to know is that I’m going to survive this and be there for them.

The future looks uncertain right now and the doctors have scans and treatment plans to organise.

I am an appreciative person and don’t take things for granted. So from that point of view. I have no regrets and have had a great life so far. I’m just not ready to leave anytime soon, Daisy and Eden  are only 3 and 5 and I want to see them grow into adults and enjoy all these great years we should have ahead.

Desperate to have scan and get results if the cancer has spread anywhere else. As it was only a pelvic MRI I had previously few weeks before my biopsy.

I know it’s at least stage 2b which isn’t great it’s got to this stage but could be worse.

I’ll either survive or die because of it.

11.12.17

Afternoon- Not coping, can’t stop the tears.

Eden just asked why is my face like that , I turned and he said “why are you turning away” 😢 I’m trying so hard not to cry or loose it in front of them but sometimes they bring the tears on because the fear I have of loosing them.

12.12 PET-ct scan day!

I’m not scared of the treatment or being in pain. I’m purely scared I’m going to die and leave my family.

Just keep going over and over in my head. My children, my husband , my family and my friends are all being so strong and I am so thankful for there help.. But I just feel so lonely. I can not get it off my mind. I feel now , today, that I have fallen to a dark place of depression. I want to think positive but I just can’t. I’m trying sooo hard to think of happy things but I’m just not seeing it.

I just want the treatment to start and to know I’ve beat it. Want to wake up in 6 months time and this living nightmare all be over.

Drove to Canterbury to find out PET/Ct scan cancelled as an old man had pissed himself after having the radioactive injection so radioactive stuff everywhere meant my scan was cancelled, so anoyed, I’m desperate to know exactly what where dealing with, it’s anywhere else in my body😡😡

13.12 feeling massively bless to have support from my close friends and family . ..But feel like my life is on hold, I’ve never been depressed before and through no fault of my own, I’ve now fallen into this really dark place.

14.12 could this get much worse 😩😭

Had appointment with consultant who did my biopsy , found out I really am special and have an extremely rare form of cancer called glassy cell cervical cancer. Sitting in front of a cancer specialist and being told he or the other specialist I am due to meet next week, have never seen this. I do not feel special, I feel even more scared and think I’m going to I’m going to die. He said they will be talking to the top doctors at marsden hospital  in London  but that I can forget everything I’ve been told so far about possibly radiotherapy and chemotherapy as that won’t work on this aggressive cancer. I don’t know how to cope with this feeling. Screaming in the car whilst Martyn drives us safety home. The hardest day of my life by far!! 

15.12

Ct scan done and out the way.

And the PET/ct scan rebooked for tomorrow morning.

Has the chance to watch Daisy at school in Christmas play, Absolutely feel so lucky to watch my little girl in her school play (dress rehearsal preview as I couldn’t face going to the play with all the parents next week) she was red robin number 1 , it’s was so cute! She was so confident on that stage. She said her words loud and clear  and I couldn’t be prouder!! She has only been at school a couple of months and has grown into such a confident girl. I felt like the proudest mummy in the world and could help but smile 💜💜

 This afternoon Edens been extra cute and cuddly (think he has picked up on something being wrong) and I’ve enjoyed spending the evening with them both.

Eden and I had lots and lots of kisses when he cheekily got back out of bed to give me his empty cup. Special moments like these I treasure.💜

16.12 back from PET scan. I had to sit in the lonely small white room for an hour while the radioactive stuff goes through my body. I Felt most lonely. Was radioactive for 6-8 hours so couldn’t go near children so missed out on another Christmas school craft thing they where doing and had to hide in the bedroom till later that  evening. 

I wish there was something they could give me, to not feel this sad, the thought of leaving my little ones and Martyn terrifys me. I love them all soooo sooooo sooooo much!!!!! 💜
Positives – I have no regrets!!! everything I’ve done in my life has made me who I am today. I know part of me will live through the children if I’m here or not, there old enough I can already see there just so lovely as can be 💜

20.12- so had a much better week than I could of expect! Finishing off as much work as I could.

What a lovely evening,  Mud masks with Martyn, Shaun (brother)  and my lovely mum last night was so much fun. I think I almost took my mind off it for the first time.

21.12  start of accepting-went out for dinner with martyn and Eden when Daisy was at school(.which is a massive thing as facing people feels so hard as my life is now so different. I just feel slightly better in my mind that if someone I didn’t know was to ask “excited for christmas” that I could smile and just say yes. Without breaking down like I think I would of done last week. )

Oncologist appointment tomorrow where I will find out (fingers crossed) full body scan results and treatment plan.

Part or me is dreading tomorrow and part of me just got everything crossed in hope they will tell me something like ‘you will defiantly be cured’ . So that I can enjoy Christmas properly with my family and have everyone round Boxing Day as planned.

I don’t feel like any of my friends or close family (as thankfully they haven’t had to go through it) can really understand the strange place that this disease has put my mind in. I’ve not been here before.

I think if this wasnt happening to me I could only begin to understand how bad it must feel, if I was watching someone else go through it. The truth is it’s probably 1000x worse than you could think, I still waiting passing the days as I don’t know yet what they going to do and it’s so rare they’re prob isn’t much facts or evidence to go on, so my future looks uncertain and I hate this.  This is defiantly the most scariest thing I’ve ever had to face.
22.12 made it through to this date Thursday 22nd December, been holding onto this date where I am going to find out a lot more and meet the oncologist Dr nathen for the first time.

Well that went better than I could expect, there is no visible cancer anywhere else. A big positive! And a girl in Maidstone 6 years ago had this type of cancer and dr nathen has been speaking to the doctor who treated her and we are going with exactly the same treatment  that she Had done which turns out to be chemo and radiotherapy (how normal cervical cancer at my stage is quite often treated) as she is now “cured” after 5 years. He said he thinks 70-80% chance this is going to work for me too! Feeling massively more positive after this positive meeting and step forward! They have a plan!
27.12 had a lovely Christmas just us 4💜

Boxing Day had all the family round which was also a lovely day❤️

03.01 massively changed my diet to get ready for chemo and radio soon and needed lifestyle  change. Eating very clean and anti cancer / cancer fighting / anti oxidant type foods.

09.01. Martyn’s cousin offered to do me reiki each week which I started today, I used to think this was a type of massage it’s completely not but made me feel relaxed and I did sleep well after it
12.01 Had a meeting at the chemo ward today giving me chance to see the ward ahead of Monday  and have my bloods done and a talk with one of the nurses.  Had to watch a DVD all about the side effects of some chemo therapy which I found left mere terrified than I was. 

14.01 trained in TRE! Oh my goodness ! It’s like nothing I can explain. But it’s a natural tremor process we all have within us and it was amazing! May even help with some of my back pain. Feeling positive 🌞
15.01. Eek day before I start chemo and radiotherapy!! Put on facebook about my TRE experience and everyone seems to remember my treatment starts tomorrow and wish me luck and saying how brave I am being? The support in amazing and is really helping. I personally don’t feel like I’m being brave tho, I didn’t ask for this and have been to hell and back to “accept” this tumor this horrible disease, I don’t blame people because there isn’t any right or wrong thing you can say that’s actually going to change what I’ve got but I do think some people just see my posts and don’t think of what I’ve gone through in order to be at this positive state of mind. I realised  there was a great chance of this being cancer mid to late November and after finding out on the 6th December I didn’t make this public until Xmas eve.  I was in such a dark horrible place I knew I was not ready to tell the world (facebook) and I am so pleased I waited. Had I of done, my posts would have been very negative and depressing nature.

Weighed my self today and I’ve lost 6lb this week! All because my lifestyle change💦🥗🍏🥒🥕🥝🥗💦

Overall really positive considering I start treatment tomorrow!

..But bit Nervous for the possible side effects for the menapause to start soon!!😢”

 

Hannah is one of the young people that YouCan support. To read more of her blog you can find it here:

https://hannahbinghamsite.wordpress.com/blog/ 

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